It has been 10 days since dad's passing. The pain of losing a loved one and having to go back to "normal life" is disgusting. It's even harder at night. I have dreamt of dad twice since his passing. One that was pleasant.. him being his funny self and drawing hearts in the air for me to let me know he loves me and he is happy. In the same dream I asked him if he knew how much I loved him and that I cared.. and he responded with "huwag" (don't) like he wants me to stop worrying about if I had said I love you enough, if I called enough to check in, if I hugged him enough, if I spent enough quality time, if I took care of him enough... and then the dream slowly turned dark and hazy and the vision of him melted into a pool of colors graying out. I wake.
The day after that I couldn't sleep a wink. I stayed up all night. It was so hard. I maybe slept for 30 minutes due to fatigue.. I couldn't be alone in my thoughts in the evenings. During the day it was easier because I had work and people all around me. It's hard to focus at work. I'm sad, angry, dazed, unmotivated...
Yesterday was the 2nd day I dreamt of dad.. it was not the dad I know or remember. I think it was a figment of my anxiety and paranoia. It was more a nightmare than a dream. The pain from how disrespectful people depicted him.
I have had plenty sleeping problems in the past but now it is amplified.
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