last night at lake arrowhead

 Last night I had attended my first event since dad's passing.. it was our company's team building in Lake Arrowhead. I was nervous for this night.. I anticipated a lot of people (most of whom I haven't since for 18 months since the pandemic) to come up to me to offer their condolences. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded with that many people and having to answer questions like, "Are you okay?" I didn't want to cry any more..

That evening, dad was my date. He gave me the strength and courage to be at peace that evening. Every hug, words of support I received from that evening gave me comfort. I did not cry.. I was able to celebrate and talk about him with so much love. 

It was a magical evening of love, care and support. Thank you dad.  

ramble

 Sometimes it is hard to process emotions and react to situations in the heat of the moment. During these times the best thing to do would be to breath and take pen onto paper.. 

Writing out your emotions can be intimidating, vulnerable, extremely difficult.. 

I sometimes stare at a blank page for hours.. I have so many thoughts going on in my head. Ping... ping.. ping... so many and it's overwhelming to write. Where do I start? Which area do I address first? Does this make any sense? It's clear in my head but a mess on the page. 

I used to be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings so clearly. But I stopped writing for reflection.. I stopped journaling to internalize. Writing used to be a form of therapy for me but that was a long time ago.

Now it is uncomfortable to write. It took some liquid courage to face my thoughts. But I find I am slowly rediscovering the tools that once helped me and played a major role in my life.. I think this is worth going back to..

I don't know

It has been 10 days since dad's passing. The pain of losing a loved one and having to go back to "normal life" is disgusting. It's even harder at night. I have dreamt of dad twice since his passing. One that was pleasant.. him being his funny self and drawing hearts in the air for me to let me know he loves me and he is happy. In the same dream I asked him if he knew how much I loved him and that I cared.. and he responded with "huwag" (don't) like he wants me to stop worrying about if I had said I love you enough, if I called enough to check in, if I hugged him enough, if I spent enough quality time, if I took care of him enough... and then the dream slowly turned dark and hazy and the vision of him melted into a pool of colors graying out. I wake. 

The day after that I couldn't sleep a wink. I stayed up all night. It was so hard. I maybe slept for 30 minutes due to fatigue.. I couldn't be alone in my thoughts in the evenings. During the day it was easier because I had work and people all around me. It's hard to focus at work. I'm sad, angry, dazed, unmotivated... 

Yesterday was the 2nd day I dreamt of dad.. it was not the dad I know or remember. I think it was a figment of my anxiety and paranoia. It was more a nightmare than a dream. The pain from how disrespectful people depicted him. 

I have had plenty sleeping problems in the past but now it is amplified.   

Lasting Connections | Good Impressions

What does it really mean when people say, "make a connection?" How do we know when we've made a connection with somebody? Could it be possible to feel like you've made a connection with someone but they don't feel the same way?

If you want to connect don't wait, initiate.

I've been listening to John C. Maxwell's, "Everyone Communicates, Few Connect." lately. And I came to the conclusion that it truly is difficult to form a connection with someone, but I also realized that it gets easier with time. The art of connecting is something that anyone can work on if they made the effort to. People who go the extra mile to get to know others and really listen, pay attention, and try to understand others are the ones who are most likely to connect.

Connecting is a choice and a mindset that can be learned.

Removing the focus on yourself and refocusing on the person you are trying to connect with is key. Connecting is mostly about them and not you. It's also about finding common ground, being relatable and approachable. People like being around "givers" not "takers". We are generally attracted to those who can help us or advise us as opposed to those who "use" us for their own benefit. We shut off when we sense people reaching out to us with ulterior motives.

So in order to make better connections we need to be "givers". How can we best serve others genuinely and humbly?

Think of myself less and think of others more.

Love,
E.

*Items in bold italics are quotes from John C. Maxwell's "Everyone Communicates, Few Connect."

A horizontal thought

I have worlds in me that only words on paper could reveal glimpses of.